What does it feel like to need?
It often feels uncomfortable, unfamiliar, shameful, anxiety-inducing, and lonely.
We are taught from very early on that to need is to be needy and to be needy is to be unwanted and rejected. We learn this in a myriad of ways from various people in our lives, and it usually starts in our family. We learn how to feel and how not to feel, how to need and not need, how to express and not express these feelings and needs from our family of origin.
Family of origin is simply the family in which we grew up, whether biological, adoptive, or otherwise. It is in this place within this system that we become who we are as people. Our family is constantly forming us as we develop our understanding of the world, being in relationship with others, and so much more.
To be human is to be imperfect; therefore, to be a parent is to be an imperfect parent, an imperfect child, an imperfect friend, etc.
As imperfect people, we often make imperfect choices, and sometimes those decisions hurt the people around us. This does not automatically mean that if we experience hurt as children, then our family is malicious and unworthy of a relationship with us. Rather, the efforts of families trying their best to meet the needs of others will always fall short and often produce pain, trauma, wounds, and hurts.
In these hurtful experiences, there is an abundant need to heal. I like to use examples of physical healing when exploring the process of healing mentally and emotionally. If you look down one day and have a bruise on your body but have no idea how it happened, that bruise is still going to go through the process of healing that all bruises must go through...regardless of the attention you give to it. If we look up one day and can’t figure out why we feel sad, lonely, unsafe, hurt, distrustful (or any other normal human emotion), that may be an indicator we need healing. Our needs and emotions we experience when we are younger don’t just go away because we forget.
In these hurtful experiences, there is an abundant need to heal.
Family of origin work is the process of removing those obstacles that keep us from emotionally connecting to ourselves and others. Additionally, those obstacles can keep us from living fully, truthfully, and with hope. Because we all have families, I believe we can all benefit from this work. As we are all unique individuals, so is this work. Regardless of where you come from and the trauma, hurt, and injustice you have experienced, you deserve to live a life full of redemption, healing, and hope.
To be human is to feel and to need.
When we tell the truth about how we feel and what we need, we create opportunities to connect vulnerably and experience more intimacy in relationship with ourselves and others. However, allowing people to see our humanness, imperfections, emotions, and needs can feel extremely scary, unsafe, and risky. Before we are able to live in truth, we first need to heal from past encounters that taught us it isn’t safe to be human and have needs and emotions.
The good news: you don’t have to do this work alone. We are here to walk alongside you as you do the courageous work of pursuing healing and growth.
This work is redemptive, and you are worth it.
Want to hear more? Listen to Natalie and Shad on IGTV.