By Ron Surgeon
Lurking in the shadow of our lives, wearing the costume of our Ideal, is our self-critic with its judging, shaming, and blaming. The way ideals usually function in our lives can be haunting. Our Ideal can either function as a guide into tomorrow or a Judge from the future.
Usually, its role is Judge. What if we gave our Ideal a new role and renegotiated our relationship with this future version of ourselves? If not, I think it could be dangerous. Dangerous, you say? Yes, dangerous. I mean, more trick than treat for sure. For many people, their ideal of themselves functions as a Judge, which leads to an ever-increasing sense of deflation and criticism. This, in turn, leads to gratitude deficits, illusions of inadequacy, progress bankruptcy, and an inability to ground oneself in reality. The ideal future (our Judge) is an imagined future, which has no bearing on our real lives. Our ideals, in some sense, are just make-believe.
Think about it: our ideals really are made-up, but that doesn’t make them less important. Make-believe is as special for adults as it is for children. Make-believe helps us explore possibilities.
As Einstein said,
“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.”
Renegotiating the relationship with our Ideal is the deciding factor on whether we will be tricked by our ideal or treated. Renegotiation is about shifting our perspective of our ideal, which is challenging.
This shift requires relieving your ideal of the burden of judging you so it can be free to live out its best design, which is to inspire you and assist you in setting goals.
Once that happens, our Ideal takes on a new role, the role of guide instead of Judge. In this new role, our Ideal can now motivate us, kindle our vision, and pull us forward like a wind tunnel. Our Ideal is substantially important because it gives us direction. It helps us plot ourselves on a “map of becoming” while giving us hope and renewal. Reflecting on the past progress we have made does not have to contradict a desire for progress in the future.
However, unless we look back on where we started, measured against where we are today, with insight and gratitude, we will deprive our lives of the powerful gift of celebration and appreciation. We judge by looking back on where we started, not by looking forward to where we want to go.
If we fail to renegotiate our relationship with our Ideal, we will either experience relentless self-sabotage or we will become murderers of ideals. We will commit ideal-icide and lose our compass of motivation.
The danger starts here.
It’s the Cain and Abel story played out in the human experience. Abel was Cain’s ideal. Cain saw the ideal as a judge, so he killed him. This relinquished his ability to change and also destroyed his vision of becoming better than he was. What if he renegotiated his relationship with his ideal? What if he saw him as inspiration, motivation, and direction toward a brighter future? What if he relieved Abel of the burden of being a judge? What if? Don’t be a Cain. Renegotiate.
Now that we have learned to renegotiate our relationship with our Ideal, by relieving it of the burden of judgment, we have consequently set ourselves up for endless opportunities for gratitude and wisdom as we look back on where we started. Looking back at the past you can feel gratitude because you’re not where you once were.
When you look toward the future you are inspired and longer judged by your ideal. In either direction, past or future, you win. Now your Ideal is an engine for inspiration.
Furthermore, it’s a friend, an endearing light instead of a harsh critic.
Curious about how you can renegotiate your relationship with your Ideal? Eager to take a look at your past and begin shaping your future? We’re ready to help. The Christian therapists at Kardia Collective can assist you in taking the first step of this journey, providing individual counseling sessions, virtual coaching appointments, and more to support you along the way. Request an appointment today.