I have become intimately acquainted with the feelings of fear and anxiety throughout the course of my life. I can distinctly recall the first asthma attack that I had on the soccer field as a small child… the jolt of panic, the surge of adrenaline, the fight-or-flight response propelling me to seek out my mother for help. This occurrence on the soccer field set in motion my life-long battle with anxiety, particularly about my breathing. Sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish between what “feels” like I can’t breathe versus when I really am not breathing well.
As I’ve lived my life and encountered many painful learning opportunities, including doing my own work in therapy, I have gotten better at facing these fears and managing my anxiety. But there’s no getting around it: the process takes grit. The road is not easy. And there are no quick fixes. But there is hope. And if you’re like most people, you are finding yourself weary from the events that have unfolded over the past several weeks in our country and across the world. Tragedy and devastation run the headlines. Mounting death dolls. When will this end? Will our economy survive? Will my job? My family? If these thoughts sound familiar to you, you are not alone. I wish someone had the answers to these important questions. I wish I could offer that to you today.
What I can offer you are some nuggets of truth that I’ve received in managing my own anxiety as well as through my training and experiences as a therapist. I hope that it is to you a means of grace to weather this current storm that is the COVID-19 pandemic.
*Important Note: as I do work mostly with children and adolescents, much of this post will be tailored to helping your child to cope with their anxiety regarding COVID-19. However, I think you will find that most items are just as applicable to adults!
How to talk to your child about COVID-19
If you have a young child (6 or younger), there is really no need to bring it up. For instance, with my 3 year old, I simply told him that he wasn’t going to school and that mommy and daddy were going to be working from home for right now. When he began asking questions about why he couldn’t go see his grandparents or go to his friends’ houses, that’s when I told him the truth in developmentally appropriate language without giving too many details.
Short and simple is the key. Something like, “I know you want to see them. I do too. Remember when you got sick with the stomach bug or got a really bad cold, well there’s a virus going around kind of like that. And we want to make sure everyone stays well. The best way to do that is to just stay at home for right now.”
Another strategy would be to ask your child what they have heard about COVID-19 (depending on their age, they may already be exposed to detailed media reports or misinformation from friends, etc.) Clarify any misconceptions that they may have, and ask them if they have any questions about it. Again, try to be brief and don’t go overboard with scary details.
On the flip side, some older teens will need a more swift, kick-in-the pants approach to the low-down on COVID-19. I’ve heard from many parents who have expressed that their teens don’t want to stay home, don’t understand why they can’t see their friends, etc. Teens by nature tend to be ego-centric, and it is inherently more difficult for them to see beyond their particular viewpoint. So they will probably need you to remind them that it’s not just about them—their grandparents and other vulnerable loved ones depend on our ability to flatten the curve. This is not forever, but we must do our part for right now.
And no matter the age of your child, remember to validate! Validation is simply communicating that you understand another person’s perspective: how they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, or why they’re behaving a certain way. Try to search for a word that describes what you believe that they’re feeling, and make a smart guess about that to your child.
Don’t forget to check and see if you got it right, and normalize your child’s emotions. “It makes sense that you’re feeling afraid, frustrated, sad, lonely, etc. right now. You are in good company--I think most people are feeling that way right now.” Try not to minimize or be dismissive of your child’s struggle by saying things like, “you shouldn’t feel that way”, or “just don’t worry about it!” These sorts of responses can feel punishing to your child and lead them to doubt their own emotional experience.
The Rabbit Hole
Anxiety tends to lead us down a rabbit hole of worry. We worry about an infinite number of horrific outcomes (most of which will not come to pass!) This is called catastrophizing, when we over-emphasize the worst case scenario and believe that there is a good possibility that it is going to happen. For little Emily, it was “What if I have an asthma attack on the soccer field again and can’t breathe and die?!?” You or your child may be experiencing something similar with COVID-19 and the terrifying prospects that it can present for you and your loved ones.
Unfortunately, we do not usually rid ourselves of fear by TYRING to rid ourselves of fear. In other words, attempts to avoid the unpleasant sensations accompanying anxiety do not usually lend to reducing anxiety. I know—it sucks!! Trust me, if there were another, easier way, I would be shouting it from the rooftops. But, like the song “We’re going on a bear hunt” (yes, this is what I relate to because I have a 3 year old and this is my current world), we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we’ve got to go through it.
One of my favorite quotes is from Elisabeth Elliot, a hero of mine, who said, “Sometimes… fear does not subside and… one must choose to do it afraid.” One thing I’ve learned time and time again is that whenever I try to make my anxiety go away, it tends to get worse. I must accept that I’m feeling anxious, and instead work to live my life while allowing myself to feel my fears. Like an annoying houseguest, we must invite fear into our lives as we do our other emotions. We’ll talk about how to do this in more detail to come… but for now, consider a Chinese finger trap—remember those?!? What happened when you tried with all your might to pull your fingers out of the trap? The trap tightened its grip! Looking back, it’s so paradoxical and so telling of many aspects of our struggles with emotions—the only way to loosen its grip on you was to lean your fingers into the trap. Like the Chinese finger trap, we must get good at tolerating our discomfort in order to lessen our suffering.
Willing acceptance. This is really hard, and it takes practice and intention. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t things you can do to decrease your anxiety presently, but it does mean that you need to allow that annoying houseguest to be present in your home while you attend to a range of other emotional experiences at the dinner party. This will diminish anxiety’s power over you and allow you to learn from its presence rather than demand its absence. Your fear will eventually subside—don’t forget that! Allow it to run its course in your life—like a wave, it will ebb and flow, and eventually it will crash out on the shore.
Now, does this mean we need to worry more? NO! In fact, worry is the enemy here. Worry perpetuates the cycle of anxiety and leads to misery. We all do it, but why do we? For many of us, it’s an attempt (albeit it usually an unknowing attempt) to prevent some feared outcome from occurring. But wait, is there a more effective way to prepare for a desired outcome without worrying? Absolutely! This is called planning.
Plan to set aside some time to focus on what you CAN do. Problem-solve. Ask yourself, “What’s in my control?” and do something about it! Regarding COVID-19, this looks like frequent handwashing, staying home, avoiding public places whenever possible, staying 6 feet or farther away from neighbors, etc. But you do want to avoid worrying about those things. Do what’s in your control to stay safe, and then live your life in the present in a way that you value. When you notice your mind jumping to thoughts of worry, name it “I’m having a worry thought”, and gently refocus back on the activity that you’re doing, as many times as you need.
Keep courage! And lean on each other and on God when you’re depleted.
Emily is a native Memphian who is married with two small boys and a pup named Penny. She is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed behavior analyst who works mostly with children and adolescents with a variety of mental health needs.
Kardia is offering free virtual therapist-led support groups at this time to provide an outlet for people’s voices to be heard and healing to take place through the context of relationships. You are not alone in this. For more information on these support groups to come, visit kardiacollective.com