by Kate Mallory
Motherhood is hard.
Why do we feel guilty for speaking the truth? Modern society tells us that we can have it all. We can have a career and a family. Society also tells us that we should be grateful for the ability to have it all. Should shames us. What’s wrong with me that I feel like I need a break from my kids?
What’s wrong with me that I want to stay home?
What’s wrong with me that my house is messy?
What’s wrong with me that my kids throw tantrums?
The list goes on…
As we continue to give and give to our children, we often forget to give to ourselves. My own experience as well as my work with mothers, has shown me that we often don’t even know what to give ourselves because we don’t know what we need. We are so attuned to our children that we can’t listen to ourselves. Shame stems from the comparison of our real lives to the internal, societal, and social media depictions of what motherhood should be.
I have heard reports from more than one client of the “hospital fantasy.” This “fantasy” involves being admitted to the hospital for an unknown medical reason and basking in the vision of lying in a bed with a book or television, with food prepared for and brought to you, with no children or spouse to clean up after.
What does it mean about our lives when we begin to fantasize about a hospital stay? While there may be no physical ailment, we are emotionally and spiritually hurting.
You can be grateful for what you have and overwhelmed by what you have to do at the same time. Despite what society tells us, perfection is not the goal. If it is, we are setting ourselves up to fail because we’re human. My hope for you is that you can slow down, listen to yourself, and identify what you need. Our needs vary and can look like needing a quiet moment, a breath of fresh air, a connection with your spouse or a friend, or acceptance as the un-perfect mothers we are. Sometimes we need someone else to help us discover our needs or to model how to accept ourselves, flaws and all.
The sooner we reach out, the sooner we show our children how to be human. By accepting our own imperfections, our children learn to accept themselves. By caring for ourselves, we can better care for them.
What a gift!
Breathe, mama.
Give yourself grace when things aren’t perfect.
Accept that you are human and can’t do it all.
Ask for help.