by Ron Surgeon
Fear is the shadow cast over our lives, announcing its presence behind life’s unknowns and signing its name on every new challenge.
Some of us carry fear as a regular undercurrent in our lives. I know what that’s like, it’s uncomfortable. For many years, fearing that I would be attacked or mugged, I would unbuckle my seatbelt and consistently look over my shoulders while at the drive-up ATM, preparing for a great escape. We know what it's like to be impaired by fear, but how do we get its gift? I think it starts with acknowledging the fear. Fear, in its general sense, is an emotion from which no human is exempt.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought,”
said Dan Sullivan,
“and concluded that all the bad things in my life happened because I didn’t tell the truth about what was happening to me emotionally.”
Getting candid with ourselves isn’t easy, but it gets easier. Doing so not only helps us, but outfits us to help others. “Knowing your own darkness,” said Carl Jung, “is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.” Telling the truth of our hearts allows us to tap into possibilities previously inaccessible. Particularly, the possibility of integrating the fear.
Fear is a multifaceted emotion. Sometimes fear wears the mask of shame. Shame highlights our limitations. The fear in shame says,
“I’m afraid I should be further along in my career,”
“I’m afraid I’m not a good enough parent,”
“I’m afraid I’m too young or too old to ____,”
“I am afraid I’m not smart enough.”
Fear can also wear the mask of anger. Anger is the emotion that lets us know we desire change; something hasn’t gone as we intended. The fear in anger says, “I’m afraid things won’t work out as I intend so why should I try.”
Sometimes anger raises its head, disguising the fear, because being angry feels less vulnerable than being scared. Sadness is the emotion that tells us we have experienced or will experience loss. Sadness shows us the gravity of our love. The fear in sadness might say, “I ‘m afraid I’ll lose the things or people that I love.”
Regardless of how fear shows up, we can learn to assimilate the fear.
The purpose of fear is to protect us from danger and alert us to threats. Experiencing fear brings our capabilities into question, which causes us to feel vulnerable. Given our life experience, knowledge, wisdom and faith (trust), we can bear down on the situation with tremendous insight, calling fear into question.
Take into account the guidance gained from your life experiences, assess the situation, ask yourself if this threat is beyond my capability. If so, we ask for help. If not, we thank the fear for seeking to protect us and we say, “Thank you for protecting me, but I’ll take care of it from here.” Integration happens when we realize fear’s true purpose and express gratitude for it being a part of our lives.
Generally speaking, fear is there to protect us not paralyze us. Fear is key to helping the maturing mind assess the severity of a situation, weigh pros and cons, and grasp benefits and deficits. Integration happens when fear becomes helpful not hurtful. Integration happens when fear becomes an accomplice to an experience of real change, instead of becoming a restraining jacket.
When fear is healthy it travels in the direction of growth and becomes an accomplice for change. Healthy fear creates a pathway for wisdom, which is choosing the best goals and the best means to attain them.
Fear is healthy when it leads us to exhibit trust by taking appropriate risks.
Healthy fear is indicated when it leads us to avoid situations that may jeopardize us and others. This brings up the idea of courage. Courage is fear that doesn’t back down. Courage feels what it feels and takes the risk or makes the sacrifice. After taking the action, courage transforms into confidence for future similar challenges.
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.” - Eleanor Roosevelt.
Now your newly found confidence, mingled with fear, will be available on demand. Keep in mind, fear will always be present whenever we face new challenges because it is the stuff courage is made of.
From the vantage point of a maturing mind, we can assess a situation insightfully and conclude whether or not we really need protection. On occasion we will need it and other times we won’t. Evaluating a situation from this vantage point reclaims agency. Many times, the younger parts of us never felt a sense of agency. Sometimes it is this aspect of ourselves, the younger wounded parts, where unhealthy stifling fear stakes its claim.
As human beings, recovering wholeness as God’s living statues, we are learning to reclaim agency. In social sciences agency is defined as “the capacity of individuals to act independently and to make their own free choices.”
Another related word is autonomy which is derived from two Greek words: Auto meaning self and nomos meaning law or rule. Therefore, to be autonomous is to be self-ruled. When we are not impaired, fear no longer shows up as a master, but now as an advisor for the self-ruled person. It is this practice and mindset shift that allow us to integrate the shadow cast over our lives, befriending the fear.