“How was your day?”
“Good”
“...”
What a profound conversation! Have you ever found yourself in this exact conversation, attempting to connect with your teenager? First, you’re a hero. Parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart. I just work with them, you live with them!
Here are a couple of thoughts on how to go into that next awkward car ride home with renewed hope and vigor to connect with the teenager in your life.
Precision matters. Let’s say there are multiple levels of questions. A level 1 question asks for a “Yes” or “No” answer.
“Did you have fun at soccer practice?”
“Yes.”
Done. End of conversation. That went nowhere. With a teenager who’s thinking about homework and distracted by their phone, it’s a super dead end. Let’s move on.
Level 2: “How was your day?” Level 2 takes a little more work, but you can still answer with one word: “Good.” Yikes. But warmer.
Level 3: “What was your day like?” Oh yeah, much better! But teenagers are masters of the silent treatment in conversations with adults. They might respond “Pretty good.” Almost there. Let’s move to Level 4 for the best question: “Tell me about your day.” Jackpot.
The best question is often not a question.
It’s not that teenagers don’t talk to their parents because they have nothing to say, teenagers don’t talk to them because parents don’t understand. The goal of your conversation, even one as “trivial” as on the way home from math tutoring, is ultimately to understand. Once your motivation changes, one-word answers just don’t cut it. It’s not an interrogation and questions sometimes bottom out.
“How was your day?” is fact-finding. “Tell me about your day” is connection-based.
“Can you help me understand what it was like to live as you, today?” That will lead to conversation. That leads to connection. Do you want to talk more with your teenager? Seek to understand them.
And often the best follow-up question is also not a question: “Tell me more.”
If you’d like to learn more or need help connecting with your teenager, I’m here to help! Please don’t do it alone.