by Abby Ellis
As I’ve sat with numerous men and women, listening as they tell their stories, there’s been a recurring theme… mothers. I find it a little ironic considering the amount of statistics you can easily find on the importance of fathers and their role in a child’s life. However, when we look at those statistics and see the higher rates of substance abuse, school dropout rates, suicide, etc., there is no doubt about the crucial part dads play. Not to downplay the significance of fathers and their ability to lead, be emotionally available, provide, protect, among so many other roles, in my experience, they are not usually the ones most talked about.
The mother-child bond is one of the strongest bonds.
So much so that a phenomenon called “fetomicrochimerism” occurs. Essentially, the cells of the baby and the mother are passed back and forth to each other in utero. These cells can last decades or even a lifetime in both mother and child. Perhaps this gives new meaning to what we often call “mother’s intuition".
And yet we don’t talk enough about this relationship. More specifically, we don’t talk about the mother-daughter bond.
Mothers have this unique ability to give life.
But I think it goes beyond physical life. Our words bear so much weight that mothers can literally speak life or death into their children; especially their daughters. Spoken wounds inflicted penetrate deeply. This is so influential in many struggling with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, trying to earn love and approval, and hyper-independence. The child may feel unable to make decisions, hearing that ever-constant disapproving voice in their head saying “you’re not good enough.”
We could talk for hours about generational unhealthiness passed down the line; how the critical mom, the emotionally unavailable mom, the anxious mom, the narcissistic mom, the abandoned mom and the mom in survival mode all have a story to tell. I wish they could or would tell. Maybe if these mothers had, or even saw the need, for the space to begin healing those deep wounds, then perhaps their own relationships with their daughters could be different.
Instead, we see codependency issues, loss of connection, resentment, shame, estrangement, and sometimes forced relationships because “it’s the right thing to do.”
Sometimes, daughters have carried the emotional weight of their mothers when it wasn’t theirs to carry.
Maybe your relationship with your mom is strained, maybe you lost your mom and weren’t on the best of terms, maybe you are close but there’s been some hurt you’re afraid to address, or maybe you’re a mom trying to navigate your own experiences with how you parent. Whatever your relationship, I hope you find the space to review and rewrite your story as you chart a new path for generations to come.