by Shad Berry
Words: 2,678
Time to Read: 22 minutes
"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Niebuhr
This prayer has come to mean a lot to me, and I have been saying it to myself regularly of late. Like the rest of the world, I am experiencing and feeling all of the disruption and consequent fear surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic. I have heard so many sad stories about loss. Funerals that have been delayed, weddings postponed, graduations canceled, travel restricted. Not to mention kids being out of school while parents try to figure out how to work remotely. There isn't much in day to day life left uninterrupted. And I didn't even mention the volatility of the stock market or business owners and organizational leaders trying to sustain their organizations and care for their employees.
These are very stressful days, the likes of which many of us have never seen. Many of my friends and family are asking the same questions. How long will this last? Can I survive this financially for two months? Is there anything I can do to impact the future positively and avoid more loss?
We are faced with overwhelming questions, mainly because most of the answers are beyond your grasp, which adds to your stress. A more helpful question might be "What do I have the ability to change, and how do I grow the courage to change it?"
During these days of uncertainty and stress, your entire being needs to be considered. Your emotional, spiritual, and physical makeup are all impacted by the quality of your relational connections. You are powerless over many aspects of this pandemic, yet you do possess the ability to respond to it in a way that maintains your integrity, grows your courage, deepens intimacy, and awakens your passion. Perseverance through difficulty is a proven catalyst for healing, growth, and change. I'm not saying it will come easy. That's why it is called suffering. It will take work, but it will be worth it, and you will need more help than you may be comfortable asking for.
Here are some suggestions from the team at Kardia Collective to help stay connected.
Keep Your Rhythms
I can't tell you how many people I have heard say, "I'm not even sure what day it is." I have said it too. That's how disrupted everything feels right now. It's like a never-ending weekend but in socially distant, economically disrupted purgatory. During these disorienting days, it is essential to keep as many of your rhythms as you can or reimagine them.
I realize that I just recounted all of the ways this pandemic has disrupted every part of our lives, so keeping rhythm may sound impossible. Here is all I mean. Even if you are working remotely and not reporting somewhere for work, and you usually would wake up at 6:30 am, make coffee, take a shower, eat breakfast, get dressed, etc. keep doing those things. Look at your calendar, review your week, plan your days, just like you would any other week. If you were planning to meet friends somewhere for coffee or lunch, do whatever you can to keep it by making it virtual via FaceTime, Zoom, or Google Hangout.
You will have to get creative, and it may take more effort in some cases, but your body and your mind will thank you. You will have more energy to work on changing what you can and creatively considering how to do so. Whatever practices and routines you had before COVID-19 that kept you connected, energized, and encouraged, keep doing them.
Stay Active
Your body needs to move, and it needs to sweat. Sadly many fitness centers and gyms have closed to prevent the spread of COVID-19, which means many of you have lost your primary means for exercise. Your physical fitness plays a large part in boosting your immunity to thwart sickness. So even if you can't get to the gym, dust off some old exercise videos, take a walk, ride your bike, and sweat a little bit.
Staying active will go a long way toward keeping your mind clear, immunity up, and give you the residual energy you need to face the decisions that must be made and challenges to overcome. Humans also make better food choices when they are active, which will also help you sleep better. I cannot overemphasize the importance of sleep. It is absolutely essential for you to have the capacity to bear the stress you are under without going into a panic. And do not underestimate the importance of drinking at least 64oz of water daily.
Stay Connected
I mentioned in practice number 1, to keep your lunch and coffee dates via FaceTime or Zoom. Again, I encourage you (and I) to do what you need to do to stay connected to yourself, God, and others. As tempting, as it is, and satisfying as it may feel, scrolling through social media isn't a substitute for the authentic connection you were made for. Social media can be a way for you to stay informed, keep up with other happenings in your community, and even a pleasant and welcome distraction. It can also be a stress-inducing bottomless fear spiral!
You are a relational being. Your growth, healing, courage, and resilience correlate to the strength of your relationships and the depth of your connection. Just like food fuels your body, relationships fuel your life. Often when I ask people about their closest relationships the response I get is something along the lines of "I have a buddy in town and we get together about once a month," Or, "My best friend lives out of town but we talk sometimes." You would never say that about food. "I eat my favorite food once a month, and that's really all I need." It is also possible to spend time with someone very close to you every single day and still feel unseen, distant, and lonely. That is largely because it is hard to connect with someone else when you are disconnected from yourself.
Fight Loneliness
The COVID-19 pandemic was preceded by a loneliness pandemic. Widespread depression, anxiety, and loneliness were already running rampant well before social distancing and quarantining began. Staying intentional about connecting with yourself, God, and others will serve to protect you from feeling alone and isolated. There are multiple practices that can assist you in maintaining your sanity by maintaining your connections. Below I have chosen some of my favorites. Obviously this isn't exhaustive and the reality is they are all interrelated. Whatever you do to connect with yourself helps you connect with others and God. Whatever you do to connect with God will also draw you closer to others and yourself. Relationship is a beautiful and fluid reality of the human experience.
Connect With Others
Yesterday afternoon amid my personal panic and feeling overwhelmed, I did something that seemed out of the ordinary. I called a friend. It's not that I don't call friends regularly, but this was different. A phone call is not my go-to. I will usually text, Vox, Slack, or DM someone first. Most of the phone calls I get these days are from solicitors or spammers trying to collect the college debt I don't owe. I do have a brother in Charlotte who is always faithful to reach out, which I am grateful for. Otherwise, If I call a friend it is to organize something, ask something, complete something, or share something and it lasts about a minute. It's not to just talk.
In this case, I called him because I knew I needed to talk to someone that cared about me and would hear my fears. As it turns out, he was feeling it too. We talked for about 20 minutes. I barely remember all the details of the conversation. Still, in the end, we prayed, thanked each other and admitted how much we needed it, and we agreed that during these days, it was going to be all the more vital that we keep calling, keep talking.
Something else happened while I was talking to him, though. As my anxiety began to ease, I started thinking more clearly and responsibly. Less reactively. In a calmer, more grounded frame of mind, I realized I needed to exercise. My body needed to move and sweat. So I did.
Reaching out to a friend when I needed connection, and listening to my body when I needed exercise did little to combat the advances of COVID-19 or solve the problems that felt unsolvable. However, that evening, my creativity and energy came back to me, and I started seeing next steps, not solutions, but steps: who I needed to talk to, what I needed to ask, and options for taking more next steps. I also realized that I needed to maintain the practice of reaching out to others for no other reason than to see and be seen.
Most likely I will have to repeat this process daily. Give it a shot and I think you will find that not only will you be encouraged you will also be a source of courage.
Connect With Yourself
This may sound new or unusual to you. Staying connected with yourself or being self-aware may be one of the most challenging and elusive practices for us in an age of distraction and compulsive hurry. Most of us struggle deeply with being aware of what we are feeling and experiencing. For those that are self-aware, it is equally difficult to accept the truth about our present frame of mind and internal condition.
Staying connected with yourself requires the skill of feeling your feelings, telling the truth about them, and knowing what legitimate need you have in light of them.
You will need the courage to ask for what you need and the wisdom to know who you can ask. The alternative is minimizing what you are feeling and denying that you have a need you can't meet on your own. That is the spirit which requires you to pretend you don't need anyone or anything. The result: more isolation, and thus, loneliness.
So, how do you stay connected to yourself in times of stress versus going into survival mode? There are several beneficial practices to help you stay connected with yourself, pandemic or not.
Two primary practices I have found to be most helpful include meditation and check-ins.
Meditation
Meditation can take on varying forms, but one of the purposes of meditation is to be still long enough to let the noise in your heart and mind settle. I've heard it compared to a glass filled with cloudy water. If the glass sits on a stable surface long enough, the sediment in the water settles to the bottom, and the water becomes clear.
With your eyes closed, your feet firmly planted in front of you, your back comfortable but posture upright, begin to breathe. Deep intentional breathes. Try to extend your inhale and your exhale as long as possible. When your thoughts wander to something else, which they will, gently return them to your breathing. The neurological benefit of merely taking deep breaths is scientifically proven to comfort the most hyperactive and vigilant of brains.
Set your timer for 5 minutes at first and begin working your way up to 10, 15, 20, even 30 minutes. I prefer to do this first thing in the morning before I ever look at my phone. I sit in the dark and the quiet, and I breathe.
If you're a journaler, write down what you notice during your exercise. What did you feel? Where did you feel it? Meditation will help both spheres of your brain reconnect and work together the way they are designed. It will also help you with your check-in.
Checking in
Checking in is another helpful exercise that helps with both connecting to yourself and connecting with others. As I said before, it's really hard to connect with others when you aren't connected to you.
To check-in only requires two things. Tell the truth about what you are feeling in the most honest way you know-how and say what you think you need to a trustworthy friend. Preferably one that won’t judge you or try to fix you.
As I said, this isn't going to be easy, but trustworthy people do exist, and I hope you know some of them.
Connect with God
Most Churches have suspended meetings as requested. If church attendance has been part of your weekly rhythm and served as a means of staying connected with God, keep that rhythm by gathering with your family at a set time to pray, read, and share. And while it is not the same as being together with your faith community in person, take advantage of the live streaming options that are available online.
Trust me, as the father of four teenagers, I completely understand the wide array of unpleasant reactions you may get from your kids when you make this suggestion. Again, this isn't going to be easy, but it will be worth it. If you have kids, they are going through much of the disorientation you are experiencing as well. Any structure or rhythm you can provide them and space you can give them to be seen and heard will be appreciated by them, even if they don't vocalize it.
There is an underlying opportunity in the face of this pandemic and cultural shutdown to slow things down and experience your family in ways that were not possible before. I would even venture to say that this disruption gives us an opportunity to establish new and healthy rhythms we might not have ever considered in the past that will benefit our relationships in the future.
Another practice that connects me to God, self, and others is Sabbath. Sabbath, which is Hebrew meaning to stop or cease, is a rhythm of life that is as old as time. As a practice, to Sabbath means to cease from your ordinary labor and to enjoy its fruits. It is the practice of letting your soul rest. It is an invitation to take one day out of every week and set down all of the heavy things that you carry. It is not the brick wall you run into at 100 miles per hour at the end of the week forcing you to stop. It is the first day of the week when you celebrate the work of the week and prepare your heart, mind, and soul for what your mission will lead you to in the days ahead. Sabbath rest invites you to disconnect from the noise and clutter, striving and straining, and bids you to simply be.
Sadly, in times of stress, instead of slowing down, our anxiety compels us to see working harder, longer, and faster as the solution to our stress. Unfortunately, that approach leaves us all the more embittered, resentful, and rageful. Sabbath is also a humble admission that says I am not in control. It declares that no amount of straining or striving will make life less risky or reduce my potential to experience pain. Sabbath is a posture of trust that demonstrates surrendering to a God who really does love you and wants it to be well with you.
The future has always been uncertain, and we have never been in control. We are all just more aware of it today than a few months ago and that trend is likely to continue.
As you face your own bouts of anxiety and stress, remember you are a whole human being made for a relational, emotional, and spiritual connection to yourself, others, and God.
The American answer for overcoming stress by doing more and working harder won't work in the day of social distancing, self quarantining, school, office, and church closures. It never really worked anyway, it just felt more powerful. In the days ahead, you will have many choices to make in response to all that is happening around you. You will also have the opportunity to respond in a way that grows your courage to “change the things you can.”
Kardia is offering free virtual therapist-led support groups at this time to provide an outlet for people’s voices to be heard and healing to take place through the context of relationships. You are not alone in this. For more information on these support groups to come, visit kardiacollective.com