by Adam Naylor
When you read the word, addict, what character comes to mind? Who is this person? Do you feel pity for him? Disdain, fear, indifference? Do you avoid him? Is he you? Whoever you picture, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume none of us aspire to own the label. It alludes to weakness, selfishness, loss, unreliability, and trouble. But can’t we all relate in one way or another? And what is addiction?
Addiction: Where am I?
Addiction is a reward deficit disorder that is digressive in nature – I seek a “fix” from something, and over time I need more of that thing to maintain the desired result. It eventually takes precedence over my priorities and loved ones, and I am left chasing a baseline status where I once got high (“I just want to feel normal again”). I will give it my time, I will lie about it, and I will fight to keep from losing it.
Addiction has promised life without pain, and sooner or later I see that I was fooled. It has taken my life from me. Whether I reach rock bottom or merely dabble in some escape, the eventual result is the same: disintegration. My world becomes smaller, I become isolated, and my focus becomes concentrated on a thing I have come to hate (even if it is a good thing, like food, work or exercise). Where I used to be light of heart, I am now fearful and ashamed and numb. I begin to despise myself and I keep my distance from God, friends and family. And I return to that familiar, cold grip.
It is really important to say that addiction is not merely a behavioral issue. Behavior change is essential, but it is a feeble and temporary solution in and of itself. For example, I may stop drinking alcohol, but now what do I do with all of this anxiety? If I am to have real and lasting change, I must address my issues of idolatry and control, which echo deep in the chambers of that mysterious place called the heart. I can face these ugly and scary places with courage and hope, and I can see more clearly where I am, and what I really need. But even this is a mere diagnosis, not a solution.
This “diagnosis” is not one of identity, but of location, in a manner of speaking. Addiction can show me where I am, but never who I am. It is essential to make this distinction that I am separate from my addiction. So then, where do I find my identity? To what and to whom can I attach?
Attachment: Who is with me?
We are relational beings, made for connection. We cannot shake our desire to know and to be known. Yet, we hide. We cannot shake our need to love and to be loved. Yet, we resist. If we are ever to rest in the reality of being truly known and loved, and if we are to experience resulting and lasting change, we have to know that we have belonging. To experience belonging, we have to come out of hiding. Not that we are ever truly hidden, but we are told from a credible source that it is the poor in spirit who are blessed.
In other words, when we recognize and acknowledge our utter dependence and need, we are then able to receive love and rescue and direction that are given, and we become more relationally available to each other, too. That familiar, cold grip of addiction becomes exposed as worthless and empty. And where we expected rejection, we are surprised and grateful to find deeper connection. We become more integrated with God, others and ourselves. We have a new foundation, new strength, and greater clarity.
Now, where are we going?
Sobriety: Where am I going?
Sobriety will look different for everyone, but let’s at least establish that sobriety is not merely not addiction. Addiction is a roadblock, but life continues on down the road. The journey ahead will be full of mystery, joy, and sorrow - and addiction will certainly continue to offer its tired old promise. You may require maintenance medication or a mood stabilizer. You may need to join a recovery group. You may need to revisit past trauma time and time again with a trusted friend. You may need to grieve, to celebrate, to forgive. You may need something else.
Come what may, where do you want to go? Who is going with you? In what ways do you need to continue to heal? What barriers are you facing? What is worth pursuing? Each day holds its own space for answers to all of these questions. What is next for you?
We at Kardia Collective would be honored to go with you on the next leg of your journey. If you are struggling with addiction, please do not hesitate to reach out to us. We would love to meet you.